Following the Longing Home

Following Longing Back Home

Once upon a time there was a beautiful blue bird who lived in a nest in the woods with her partner. One cold Winter morning her eyes opened into a dream of separateness - constriction in the heart and a hollowness in the pit of her stomach. She felt painfully separate from her partner, from the comfort of the nest, and from her own heart. An intense longing burned all through her for the separateness to end – and a terror that it might not overwhelmed her. The pain felt unbearable. So unbearable that she projected this longing on to her partner - if he would just move closer and warm her with his feathers, if he would just adore her with his gaze, if he would just be different in some way, this painful longing could end. If he could love her deeply enough this painful longing may never return.

But he was busy building the nest so it would be warm enough for Winter. He didn't notice this longing in her, the terror, this need for his love, and he turned away. As he turned away, a rage arose in her fueling the thoughts - “Why am I with him? I should find a better partner, one who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Why have I chosen him? What is wrong with me. I should just leave. Now. These thoughts were so familiar to her, a trance so easy to fall into, a way to distract from the deeper pain that felt unbearable. She started to pack her things.

Blessedly in a moment of grace she saw through – she realized that she was creating pain and suffering in her head in order to escape the pain of the feelings of rejection and separation. With this realization a glimmer of courage arose and she stopped. She stopped the packing, stopped following the trance of the stories, and got curious. “What am I really running from?” By not following the thoughts and stories awareness was free to fall inward to meet the constriction inside her own heart, the hollowness nestled under her ribs. As awareness fell in - meeting the vibrations and sensations, the warmth and pressure, the cool empty sensations, opening to what was even deeper, the uncomfortable sensations revealed themselves to be spacious and full. This is what she had been turning away from to follow the mind. As awareness fell in, the heart fell open, as though she was living inside her own quiet heart and there was no separation. There was no inside, no outside, no partner, no nest, no one at all.

She rested as the open heart awake from the dream of separation. All longing disappeared there was only boundaryless, silent love. Boundaryless silent love. A moment later she felt the soft wings of her partner as he nestled up against her in their warm nest on the cool Winter morning and she was reminded of a poem.

From Rumi's poem “Love Dogs”

“This longing you express
is the return message.”
The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness that wants help
is the secret cup.”

Through the grace of meeting Gangaji and her husband Eli Jaxon-Bear there is ever deepening into True Intimacy - What I was seeking is what I already am.